He tries to throw a wadded-up paper towel into the trash can and misses.

Me: I saw that. You'll never make the team.

Him: You should have seen me bowling night. I'm terrible. But then that's probably because I was drunk.

Me: That's the only way to bowl.

Him: I'm trying to stop drinking so much. I need to find a new pastime.

Me (slicing carrots): Is that your only pastime?

Him: No, but it goes with everything. Bowling. Golf...

Me: I've never golfed, but it sounds more fun now.

He tells me about golfing in Temecula. I ask where that is. He says it's nowhere. That's why you drink.

Him: Here I am talking about alcohol and you're over there slicing your carrots.

Me: Don't let this fool you. I'm drunk right now.

People type away at their computers in the background.

Me: We're going to get fired any minute now.

Him: The problem is, I just keep discovering new drinks.

He tells me about a recipe for beer mixed with hot sauce.

Me: That sounds gross, but I'd try it once, just to be sure.

He explains his theory that sometimes it's good for his body to go to extremes and get really fucked up, followed by a few days of not drinking.

Him: I think it's cleansing.

Me: Are you cleansing right now?

Him: My latest thing is vodka gimlets.

Me: That sounds old-timey. Makes me think of my grandma. She liked her vodka.

We emerge from the kitchen, me carrying a paper plate covered in carrot sticks, him shaking his head in judgment and laughing.

Him: Man, listen to me. I'm terrible. If I were 10 years younger, I'd hate me.